I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
