I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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