Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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