Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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