It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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