So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
