i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
