if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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