I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
