So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
