Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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