I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
