Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
her facebook's as public as her vagina
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum