Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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