Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
