I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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