Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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