I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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