The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Let's get the cat blown out
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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