You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
