I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
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