I want you more than these girls want KFC
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm both gender and math confused
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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