First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Couch. On fire.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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