this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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