if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
