Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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