Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
