I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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