whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
