we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
