you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Randomize
