My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
