He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
