i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
