hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im having a threesome with these popsicles
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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