Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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