one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
