I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
