I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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