he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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