Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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