When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
