just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
