Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize