i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
