I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
