just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
