Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Also, beer. Big fan.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
