There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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