hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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