it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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