toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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