I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Randomize
