I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
