john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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