1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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