he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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