yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
