I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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